This morning I saw a trailer for a film - a film for which there is no doubt in my mind never reached the cinema. It was your typical adrenaline-pumped, explosion-rife, we-gotta-complete-objective-A-lest-outcome-B-occurs trailer, starring a whole host of completely underwhelming actors. It was nestled between an advert for blister plasters and one of those outrageously annoying Aldi adverts where a pensioner compares two identical products of different brands and can’t discern the difference. A real prime-time television spot.
The trailers for indisputably shit films always seem to be over quite quickly, as if the producers don’t want to give away any more exciting footage than they already have - because they’d have no more footage left worth watching. Indeed one could go further to say that in fact, the producers are suggesting in the trailer that only thirty seconds of their hour and a half film is worth your time. But you’ll have to watch it to find out!
What it really made me wonder however is this: do producers tell the actors on these films that the film will be going straight to DVD? Do the actors know that they are going through over a year of dressing up as one of the American Joint Chiefs of Staff, or the ludicrously attractive bank clerk, only to be watched by a balding man in a filthy string vest who’s only goal of the day is to finish his extra large bag of Cheetos before the credits roll? One can imagine the palpable awkwardness when the lead actors ask for the date and location of the premier. “Premier? Oh no, we’re just gonna head by Brian house with a couple o’ cold ones and watch it there, you should come along”.
If we are to consider film an an art form, which it undoubtedly is, it seems a shame that some works of art are destined for the dusty shelf at the petrol station. But to the same token, some of the absolute arse that gets produced nowadays deserve such a lowly place. I bet even the people that work in the petrol station would agree with me.